David Letterman — The Late Show
- President Kennedy said let's put a man on the moon, and by God, 10 years later we put a man on the moon. Yesterday was the 45th anniversary. Nowadays a big deal for us is we combined the croissant and the doughnut to get a cronut.
- When we landed on the moon everybody remembers what they were doing, and everybody remembers what Neil Armstrong said just before he left the capsule and stepped onto the surface of the moon. He said: "Out of my way, Buzz!" Whack!
- A 105-year-old woman in San Diego threw out the first pitch in a baseball game. I think it's great to see Barbara Walters is still out there.
- She pitched seven scoreless innings! And she's the only woman who slept with both Alex Rodriguez and Babe Ruth.
- "Star Wars" fans are very upset that the story line of the upcoming new "Star Wars" movie has been leaked. Apparently the movie starts with R2-D2, Chewbacca, and Han Solo all waking up in Vegas.
- Officials are concerned that people in Los Angeles are too apathetic about the drought. We're not doing anything about it. Of course, that will change next week when we announce that the drought is killing all the marijuana crops.
- NSA whistleblower Edward Snowden is back in the news. He says the military at the NSA often shared nude photos that Americans had emailed to one another. So if your girlfriend won't send you naked pictures, just tell her, do it for the troops.
Jimmy Fallon — The Tonight Show
- President Obama was giving an interview recently, and he said he thought that Joe Biden would be a good president. When asked why, he was like, "Because he'd make me look AMAZING."
- Edward Snowden is back with yet another spying scandal. In a new interview, Snowden revealed that NSA employees regularly pass around nude pictures of people they spy on. It got even weirder when German Chancellor Angela Merkel said, "So, vat do you think?"
- I heard that Rob Ford's nephew is planning to run for a seat on the Toronto City Council. He has an interesting campaign slogan: "I'm adopted!"
- Last night, a 105-year-old woman threw out the first pitch at the San Diego Padres game. It got a bit weird when she turned to 50 Cent and said, "Now THAT'S how you throw a baseball!"
- In a recent interview, President Obama said Joe Biden "would be a superb president." In a related story, Hillary Clinton punched a hole in a door.
- The Chicago Cubs have filed a lawsuit against a man who got into a bar fight while unofficially dressed as the team's mascot. They could tell he wasn’t affiliated with the Cubs because he won.
- According to a new poll, two-thirds of people in Colorado think it should be illegal to smoke marijuana in public, while the other one-third are still laughing at the word "poll."